Building Empires

I am a strong man; inside I’m a boy.

I’m busy building empires and playing with my toys.

I am a warrior, who’s fallen upon his sword.

I am a lover who is eternally bored.

I am the messiah, a fool by any other name.

I am the king of kings but a pawn in my own game.

I’m weeping in my armour; I’m laughing in my chains.

I’m chasing all the dragons, through imaginary plains.

I’m a haunting question, dressed up like a summer fate.

I am my own Calvary but always turn up late.

I am a mirror; I wear a mask in the maze.

I am a dancer, who won't dance the haze.

I am a prophet, but I have no idea where I’ve been.

I am a dreamer, dreaming dreams within a dream.

I think these words captures a snapshot of a widespread or collective experience in contemporary maturity, especially within males.

It's the profound internal conflict between societal expectations, authentic self-expression and a highlight of how we may grow up in certain areas of our life but in others. In a nutshell how we all are made up of immature and mature ego states.

Of course, the poem is focused on men. However, other sexes and genders are certainly stakeholders, not only as observers, but may have to live within the behaviours too.

Moreover, any person, any sex, any gender can demonstrate behaviours where there are tensions between the immature and mature ego states. I think everyone can related to it really on a personal level to some degree. Even if we think we are mature, we might be just channelling our parents views and behaviours, rather than them coming from our authentic adult self.

For example, a 'mature independent woman,' can also be 'the lost little girl, damsel in distress,' and a the same time of wanting to be independent also want to be looked after and can persuade or manipulate her/ their environment to satisfy these needs.

At this point, I'd like to interject a therapeutic and positive psychology approach to looking at ourselves. It's essential to learn to 'name rather than shame' our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. With this compassionate and inclusive role we can form acceptance and start to integrate. Part of the therapeutic journey can be finding and exploring our shame and guilt, our mature self, the less mature, our vulnerability and exploring this with compassion and understanding. We all need our playful, inner child, our archetypal energies in their fullness. We also need to recognise, honour, embrace our wounded selves, our more challenging selves.

Whilst it is possible to arrive at 'naming' rather than shaming, this is part of the journey, perhaps, at first 'we are ashamed' and 'want to feel it. We might say, 'we deserve to be feel this,' because of 'what we have done' or 'who we are,' and this is okay. Many clients enter the process thinking this, thinking they are broken, different.

Therapy is not about applying bandages or saying 'ah, just think of it this way and you will be better.' Whilst cognitive or top down approaches can be very potent. things are often deep rooted. Interrelated and complex issues and need time and investment for us to 'heal, accept and perhaps move on.

As a therapist I am not here to take away how you feel but rather invite you to look at how you might have arrived at your current self and if there are any other ways you might frame things. We will foster compassion and understanding rather than through judgemental eyes. It can be a challenging journey in a liminal space but one that offers transformational opportunities. When i say, liminal I mean in a place that is in between, one where old ways are fading or needing to change and where new ones are not yet formed. Therapy is largely about entering a liminal space, one where transformation and thresholds await.

In life, and in therapy, many men (people) can present outwardly as confident or successful while experiencing deep internal fragmentation. This isn't personal failing, it's a predictable outcome of cultural systems that offer limited models for integrated maturity.

From a systemic perspective, patriarchal structures have created what we might call "incomplete archetypes." Men are encouraged toward heroic ideals but without the emotional adaptability or correct foundation required for genuine sovereignty or leadership. There are also massive pressures for competition 'between' and 'within' our reference groups, such as gender, where we identify with, what we strive for etc.

Research suggests these patterns manifest relationally across generations. Partners may inadvertently reinforce emotional suppression, children absorb these models, and peer groups often shame vulnerability and maturity.

The result can be men strive for impossible standards while disconnected from their authentic emotional landscape. They can take on a 'role' and white knuckle this to its limit all the time feeling more and more frustrated, alienated or depressed, no matter how well they seem to function.

In simple terms, as an example of 'white knuckling' we could look at the stereotype of the 'bitter old man,' who has become cynical, isolated, angry, defensive from losing contact with the self and not ever being able, or knowing how to heal the inner wounds we all get along the way.

The invitation in therapy is different, to recognize these patterns not as personal failing, but as natural responses to impossible or very extreme cultural demands we internalise.

When we can hold both our warrior and our vulnerability, our lover, our strength and our confusion, integration becomes possible. This can lead to acceptance and to inner peace, optimism, an openness to new experiences etc.